life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize