1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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