Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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