wat bout pragnant strippers??
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
