You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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