so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
we're making bets on your personal life
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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