Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
