How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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