dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
