Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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