someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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