This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize