Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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