Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
