why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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