That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I cockslap morals
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
