Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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