I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
