How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
