why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
