And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
