Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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