Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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