I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
