Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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