I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
