My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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