my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Randomize
