don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize