You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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