Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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