You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize