i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
two words...techno handjob
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
