But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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