Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
