dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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