I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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