I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
