I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
