11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
