I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
