My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
