Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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