You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
