I wish I only lived at night.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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