I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
