i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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