hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
