Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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