Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
