i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
is wine microwaveable?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
