there's paper in my vomit.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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