part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
