yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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