I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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