Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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