1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
