i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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