accomplished twins. life is a go
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
