dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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