I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize